just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
