My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you never un-have a 4some
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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