I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
