I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
