dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
