so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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