I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
