Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
