This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize