I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
