I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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