hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize