im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
