she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
