If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
