you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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