Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
