Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
