I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
