Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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