he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
