So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize