just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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