I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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