i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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