I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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