He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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