I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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