The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
