Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
