just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
