just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize