Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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