i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
