Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
