You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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