so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
