I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
