i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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