Can i not drive my cunt home
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
