My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
