i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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