I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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