He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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