Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
