I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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