when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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