My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
