I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
