my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
