would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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