I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
