She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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