the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
