seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
