A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
