Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
